I was thumbing through a home school resource catalogue and stumbled upon a most unexpected subject heading - Gender Issues. In the middle of algebra, spanish and math manipulatives is a single heading with three sub headings that in minutes shed light on what I didn't know that I had been musing upon. They were egalitarian, patriarchy and complementarian. It sounds more like having to do with a presidential election than about how I feel about being a woman, but let me explain...... Last year I worked out that we each have our own theology - an amalgam of what we have heard throughout our church life and family upbringing (christian or not christian) - simply put: what we believe. This theology affects how we see God today and how we see ourselves in relation to Him. It stands to reason then, that it also will relate to how we feel about ourselves as a woman (or man - but I am talking about what I know!). I can see in retrospect that I grew up living under the complementarianist father - meaning that mum and dad were equal but the father had the last word on specific matters, regardless of whether he was right! Complementarianism holds that "God has created men and women equal in their essential dignity and human personhood, but different and complementary in function with male headship in the home and in the Church. I saw couples that erred towards patriarchy where the husband is the head of everything, and the wife is so submissive (and 'lost') her only purpose in life was to serve and enable the man!

And as I have journeyed my married life, I tried the complementarianist approach (pth, yuk, argh) and somehow serendipitously have arrived at believing that God created man and woman equal, so damn it, they are! Which is what some would call egalitarianism.

Egalitarianism holds that all people are equal before God and in Christ. All have equal responsibility to use their gifts and obey their calling to the glory of God. God freely calls believers to roles and ministries without regard to class, gender, or race.

What I grew up with has severely affected my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

What I can say now though, is that I feel freer today to accept God's love of me, than I ever have. Taking a break from the institutional church has allowed me to throw off the shackles that bind (and hearing someone else's theology each week!) and find myself and find God again, for myself.

When I thought of myself in the complementarianist mindset I was only too content with hiding behind my husbands spiritual apron strings. I made excused for my inability to grow, because it was more important for him to attend this seminar or that workshop. I put myself second.

How stupid I was to think that finding God relied on programmes or pastors.

Finding God is a process but one that is aided by being able to comprehend that we each are individuals, we each are important to Him, and we each are responsible for the life we lead.

I am woman, hear me roar!