Life is confusing and while many may see this as a bad thing, it has its good side. It is energising to know that I am alive, full of varied emotions, thoughts and experiences.

At the moment it is confusing because....

...it has been 2.5 years since we (Onyx and I) decided that why should we not go to Germany. We could marvel at the sunsets, walk in a park, and teach our children as easily here in the comfort of our own home as in the new experience of living in a new culture. We are relatively 'free' to go as far as our family not yet 'needing' us, and originally our youngest 2 would have been young enough to sit on our laps and pay a tiny airfare. The later is no longer so.

The more that we find freedom in our journey with God, the less we are bound to justify whether it was God's will that we go, but rather that this is a desire of our hearts, or at least mine. I still don't know if Onyx is playing lip service to the goal.

Anyway at present it seems permanently on hold. The house is not prepared and this means we are not ready to rent it out. If the house is not finished then we can't try to sell the business, nor secure a job overseas. And here the weather is yuk so I can't see the house being finished on the outside anytime soon.

I don't know about you, but when I have a goal, I set my mind to it and I don't tire until I have completed it. I am project focused. I have been at this project for over 2 years now and I am tired. I am resigned. I don't want to go. Perhaps this is a response to the fruitlessness of feeling unequally yoked.

You see, Onyx just doesn't seem to work the same way as I. There is no outward signs of achieving anything towards our goal. No plan of attack on how to 'eat the elephant' (break down the goal into bite-sized pieces).

And yes, I am angry. I am angry that we sat and discussed this and I said to him straight "are you sure you want to go?" "are you sure this is not you appeasing my dream?" "because if we decide to do this and tell the children I don't want them disappointed AGAIN".

He doesn't have a history of setting and achieving goals.

But there is still hope. He read "God's Will Hunting" from FBN recently and the gist is the question "what do you want?" on the premise that God is not a control freak and having designed us with a free will is not going to make us do something contrary to it. Perhaps it will empower him to be honest with himself. Give him the freedom of dreaming?

I knew I wanted this. What I would like to know now is why are we not there yet? Is there a 'right time' and thats not now? Is it purely because Onyx and I are not on the same page with our determination?

Do I 'give up' and unpack the suitcases, and give away the items I already have bought and are storing up there? Do I officially tell all those who are hanging on the every chance of news that we will succeed with this far-fetched plan and suffer the feeling of failure?

I have put many many events, opportunities and decisions on hiatus, and made decisions based upon the goal of going to Germany. Many material items have been released into the wild rather ruthlessly, that I am concerned now I will live to regret, and never wanted to be in this position. Yes, you guessed it that was another statement made to Onyx "if we do this then I will commit to it by paring down what we own, so you had better be sure, ok?".

And what I haven't told you yet is that we are challenged by each and every contact that we make with a German person, about why on God's green earth we would want to go and live in Germany?

Homeschooling is not considered legal.

The cost of living is higher.

There are less freedoms and more people.

The government has introduced some threatening laws on the family (although not dissimilar from here).

German's make it sound like some third world country.

I don't understand why they warn caution, but it has happened enough for me to start taking them seriously. I am also aware that many a person may unconsciously be inclined to knock down 'tall poppies' - those who stand out from the crowd. Others may resent the opportunity of us going there while they desperately wish to leave? But if it is not out of these negatives then if must be out of the reality of their lives.

For me, it is one of the only places that I can become fluent in German, and my family can learn by immersion, which in my mind is far more effective than any other method. It is also one place that my family can experience another culture where at least one of us has familiarity with it, so it is not as threatening.

Hmmppf. So here I am feeling various emotions, very much alive and equally confused, as you may imagine.