Despite fear of being thought to play host to a phantom pregnancy, I thought someone here may identify with the feeling of being in No Man's Land wondering if they are pregnant too. Not from a oh-I'm-such-a-naive teenager perspective but from a I've-been-there-and-done-that-but-don't-know-for-sure-still.

Guy's (men) this post may not be for you.



The first week of November last year was the last time I have anything constituting a normal period. Ok, women with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome don't really know what a cycle is, but since then I have only had 2 unusual bleeds. Lighter, inconsistent etc with the last one being akin to the threatened miscarriage I experienced with Agate.

I have tested 6 times with pregnancy tests that you can buy at the supermarket and all negative.

So why do I believe I am pg? Why can't I just let it go and accept that this is a mid life spread come to take residence?



The longest time that I have not bled for is 52 days. Twice in the past when this time has lapsed I have been pg. Time between the last 2 bleeds was 59 days and the last bleed I had was like a threatened miscarriage - I know - I've had one (and a spontaneous miscarriage too). And the December bleed was not 'normal' either so that may make the duration longer.

My breasts are sore, my stomach is swelling, I've had the nausea and still have a feeling of 'ick' and blow me down if I don't fancy coffee - those are all my usual symptoms. The one that I only experienced with my last pregnancy was fatigue and while I don't have that in toto, my head is tired by midday. I wake frequently at night and constantly stretch (due to relaxin?) which I am struggling to associate with the other pregnancies and the one that has totally thrown me is that I have a libido (and I mean, at all!).

But 6 negative tests.



I feel robbed of my intuition, relying on 'medical' tests to tell me that I am or I am not, knowing that previously these have not told the truth.

I wondered whether low HcG (and therefore not registering on a test) due to PCOS is the reason that women with PCOS have more miscarriages, and this was where, if I were pregnant, I was heading.



Everything is phrased with "if I am pregnant", making me feel double-minded - and I wouldn't want to be that now, would I.



And then there is the whole issue of not ever wanting to be pregnant again - not wanting to go through the birth, not wanting to have my breasts out on loan to another dependent human being again. I was over, done, signed off and out of here when it comes to spawning another of my own. I had once again started to plan my future. That's the story with the first, second (miscarriage) and third pregnancies and then kablam - surprise, you're pregnant.

It doesn't mean any were unwanted - but we had listened to the doctors (about being infertile), believed the test results (before and after conception) and were convinced that we couldn't get/be pregnant.

So actually I can't be accused of bearing phantom pregnancy because I didn't want to be pregnant, and the first test I took was to confirm that, but the symptoms kept coming.



You ask, why don't you go to a midwife....well, I tried. The first trick is to be out and about without children - a little like mission impossible. When this occured due to strategic planning a couple of weeks ago I was only to discover that the clinic that I felt I could go to was in the process of moving premises and closed for the week.

I tried to think of other places to go, but there was no where that I believed would take me seriously and show empathy, and not think that I was making this all up.

Since then I have tried to surreptitiously purchase a triple-pack testing kit on 3 occasions from 2 different supermarkets in 2 different towns and they are OUT OF STOCK!



If I am pg then I am 16 weeks and in the next few weeks I and DH will be able to feel the baby move. Thankfully I have his full support and he is actually stoked that we could be expecting another. He even prayed for a midwife to come to us -how's that for faith!

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that in all this I did find a forum where there have been other women for whom pregnancy tests did not work.



I have been in flux between indluging myself in all things baby - like searching for names, and pulling myself back out into the real world that says I already have all the children we wanted and at present they have absolutely no idea of our predicament as what would we tell them anyway? What will our friends and family think?

I am outgrowing my clothes too but can't allow myself to wear preggie ones - that would make me look like a right dork if it weren't so.



So for the next few weeks still I will be in No Man's Land - not knowing one way or the other and possibly being none the wiser if a body part doesn't knock, knock, knock on the side of its womb to rent.



Then it would be back to square one - I'm fat and I hate it.