Today and yesterday I have felt like a real fraud.

I am so over christmas that it stands to take away the joy of the season for my children, who despite our influence in their lives still believe in it's bounty.

During the day we visited a shopping mall. This for the children was an experience. They rode the escalators, travelators and their ear-drums reverberated with the noise pollution peculiar to the large cities in general. Being in a major city reinforced for the older child the nature of face of consumerism.

Last night we braved the hustle and bustle of a large metropolitan city to catch the annual tradition of seeing the houses in a particular street all aglow. The important part was keeping them safe and staying together - no easy task. One child was on my shoulders and kept putting their hands over or near my eyes, impinging on my ability to see anything including the un-even footpath, tree roots or hazards ahead.

I did not enjoy the 'atmosphere' if there was one. I did not really see the houses with their lights. I did not understand what it was all about, except to speculate that it was an exercise in keeping up with the Jones. Some houses did not have a spare 10cm square area without a bulb.

After that we went to a light sculpture. It was a cone shaped tree, flanked at each 1/4 by a phone box, where one could register their request of santa and upon hanging up the receiver, saw their request climb the tree and be sent off into the sky. There were dozens of bean bags underneath the inside of the tree where people were lying looking up at the top. While I guess I may have found this romantic if it were only the two of us, instead I grabbed for my sun-glasses to overcome the strange glare.

The end of the evening saw us drive by a single house on a main road that exhibited an eclectic taste for all things christmas.

All this to get home about 11pm with 4 tired children, and me even more so, having not slept well of late. I just do not get it.

What is it about traipsing around the streets, among the throng of people, on one particular day or period of the year. What is it with lights? What does it have to do with Christmas?

Oh yeah, that was the other thing...we passed a church that was not lit up and my dad said something to the effect of that being a shame, and I retorted, 'why should they','He (Jesus) was born in October anyway'.

So at the end of all this I really felt like a kill-joy, a fraud, a wolf in sheep's clothing..but fraud describes it best.

I did buy my children something small and practical as gifts because I love them and I thought they would think otherwise if they got nothing. But I still don't 'get' the present-giving.

For example my brother and parents were so generous with us today that I felt like I was less of a person because we had a limit on what we spent on them if at all. In the past 7 or 8 years we have chosen one family member to buy for and the other get token gifts. This year we didn't spend anything on my parents, but instead pledged a full day of helping them sort out their stuff, because they have soooooooo much of it. It just didn't seem right adding to it, and after all what do you get someone who has everything?

Ba humbug, I feel like Scrooge. What should I do? Should I just go with the flow and buy big gifts to supposedly show another how much I love and value them? Or do we run away to some remote location for the week leading up to the big day and drive home when it is over?

Why does it seem that I am the only one that does not 'get it' while EVERYONE else in society doesn't seem to bat an eyelid at it?