Book Review

To be honest, and those that read my posts here know that I can't be anything else, I didn't want to read this book.  I had an aversion to the author being connected to a Mega-church.  I would rather write off all to do with church-inside-the-walls than try and sift the gold from the dross.  I had checked out his website and it looked all too 'perfect', glitzy - like what the IC (institutional church) tries to look like on the outside and against which one feels momentarily like a failure.

Well something led me to get it anyway, more probably that in placing an order from overseas it is more economical to order more things and spread that freight costs than not order it and wish I had got it.  Perhaps there would be something in this (yet another) parenting book that might (possibly if I do it right) work with our family.

The first 15% of the book is a roller coaster of marketing promises, "endorsements", sales pitch, and preface, which made me think...hmmm this is all too good to be true hype.

Out of which my one favourite thing is tucked on the publishing page: "Take note that they name of satan and related names are not capitalized.  We chose not to acknowledge him, even to the point of violating grammatical rules."   My sentiments exactly!

So on with the show.  I'm going to use quotes directly from the book as Danny says it better than I could paraphrase and this was the basis of 'getting it' for me:

"We all have a certain set of beliefs that we learned were "normal" when we were brought into this world....The problem is that many of our versions of "normal" really don't have anything  to do with Heaven's "normal"....I'm not talking about what we say we believe to be true,  but what we actually live out....Our behaviours flow from our beliefs, from the way we interpret the world around us.  I could give you a list of tools to use with your children, but if you use them with a paradigmm that is out of line with how the Kingdom of God works, they will just cause problems....Thus, this book is a why-to book as well as a how-to book."

When looking at parenting how-tos that parallel the bible,  he categorises them into the old testament and the new testament methods.  The old testament method comes in the form of  "the external governing system, the motivational force in the relationship with God came in the form of blessing for obedience and threats for punishment - plagues, exile and being "smitten on your hind parts" for disobedience."

"These revealed God's power and defined the expectations in the relationship.  If the threat of punishment were to be removed, God's people would lapse into another season of rebellion against Him.  This style of relationship makes it a short jump to conclude that God is in a bad mood and has issues.  Unfortunately, many of us, whether believers of not, continue to raise our children according to an Old Testamant paradigm. "

"In the New Covenant, God relates to the believer in a new way, through writing His "law on our hearts and minds".  When the law is written on our hearts and minds and when God Himself dwells in us, we no longer need to be controlled from the outside, because we have the capability and responsibility to control ourselves - to tell ourselves what to do and to make ourselves do it."

"Because sin has been dealt with in the "New Covenant, we no longer need to be punished or controlled but need to learn to manage our freedom responsibly, which changes the goal of government as well as the goal of parenting."

"As believers, we will never be able to parent our children from the inside out like God does inless we fully make the switch in convenants."

"We need to realize that our God is a God of freedom, not a God of control." "Without the freedom to reject Him, we are powerless to choose HIm.  Obedience is a choice"

And here is the bit that to me that turned me around from a carte blanche skepticism of Danny's teaching, and what I also find rather ironic given his position...."So, at the heart of godly parenting is the conviction that the mistakes and failures of our children are not the enemy.  The real enemy is bondage, and if we don't teach our children how to walk in and handle freedom, they won't know what to do with it.  They may stay safe through Christian elementary school and Christian college and then they will go and wrap themselves in a religious environment and say "Control me from the outside, because if any of this went away I think I would disintegrate!"  And later they will say " I married a control freak so I wouldn't fail and we secretly and not so secretly hate each other.  But we go to church".

That is the one thing that I have really felt since leaving an institutional church is free from control.  The transition is uncomfortable and disconcerting.  Sometimes you feel naughty, "back-slidden", rebellious but in the end the freedom is uplifting, inspiring, liberating.

Yes you have to take responsibility for yourself.  Yes, you have to think for yourself.

The message that I incessantly heard from the pulpit was 'you are not good enough', 'you need to do more of [this] to grow closer to God".  This is where I am guilty of how I parent my children.  I never intended for them to learn that in order to make mummy happy you have to do what mummy says otherwise she won't like you as much as if you were obedient.

I am not sure if that is what Danny is getting at specifically, as I am still working through the foundational concepts he presents and figuring how to make that mind-shift into a new way of thinking.

What I need now is some more practical advice/support on the day to day situations we are finding ourselves dealing with:

• getting Agate to take medication without hounding
• getting Topaz to tidy up room at the end of the day without threats, deprivation, etc
• having the children interact together in a more respectful and helpful manner

But most of all I need Onyx to make this mind-shift with me and for himself.  We have NEVER been on the same page as far as parenting is concerned, with him playing lip service to whatever it is I decide to read and try to implement. He has finally read this book and promised to discuss it with me - well that was 4 days ago. So okay I used the old method to get him to read the book (the I-will-nag-you-until-you-do-what-I-want-you-to way) but am sincerely hoping that this will be the turning point.

The greatest harm that we are doing to our children is a result of Onyx's inconsistency.  One rule for this child, or this situation, or this day - well actually you couldn't really call it a 'rule' as there is no standard implementation.

He treats Agate with less respect than the others, and Agate gets the blame more often and suffers Onyx's slights.  He doesn't care enough, it would seem, to even understand or get involved in her therapy or use any knowledge in a positive way to encourage her.

I can't be bothered going the extra mile with anything around here (parenting, schooling, cleaning etc) as the bottom line is that Onyx's 'standards' have become the lowest common denominator for the whole family.  Why continue to push and prop up the weakest link, expending your energy and depriving yourself of creativity, time etc for no reward?  Having said that, I work extremely hard for the family.

Currently I am working through 10 years of boxed sewing projects, alterations & repairs etc and finishing them to either use or give away.  I am pushing myself but it will be to my benefit not to have them hanging over my head as well as to the family of having more order/less stuff.  I am also pushing myself to finish a pro bono website so that it brings more business in for us.  I have a love-hate relationship with web design & development though but am trudging on by myself on this one because at least I can rely on myself to get it done.

This wasn't meant to turn into a pity part, sorry folks, guess I need to blog more!