If you are disabled then you often need to hire home help. If you are blind then many items are available for use that are adapted to help you lead a more 'normal' life. If you are hospitalised then you may receive some rehabilitation services, or 'meals on wheels'.

So why is it that in the area of character and psychological deficits we don't take the same action?

What I am specifically talking about is the relationship of marriage. We are so quick to see physical problems as 'real' while the hidden problems are not treated with the same empathy or tactical remedy. If our partner has broken their leg, we watch as they hobble around on crutches, wash them, run the errands, dress them and generally pick up the slack. It is after all only temporary.

Last year I figured out, d'uh, that Onyx suffers from dysthemia. Its taken me so long to realise this and many a tear shed along the way in utter frustration. This is a long-term 24/7 issue affecting his general state of mind and being. Its not something that can really be 'cured' with drugs, I understand, but I had hoped counselling would finally take the place of my incessant reminders that 'this' was not normal. At least the therapist concurred with my findings!

[Alongside this, and the jury is still out on these two, I have reason to believe he is visual-spatial and somewhere on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder continuum - down the intelligent end!]

So where does that leave me? Well at the beginning of last month I realised that I needed to take responsibility for creating my happiness within the life that I have got. What I mean by this is that I am tired of being limited, of feeling unfulfilled, of my happiness being dependent upon another person.

My friendships with others are not like this - there is no expectation that I have of them to 'give' anything to me, and yet I have this of Onyx. I expected that he be honest with me, that he value me, that he partner me, that he encourage me, that he parent equally etc etc. By having these expectations, however pure, I have inadvertently handed over the keys to my happiness to another person.

So what is a girl to do? Well, what I did, was first and foremost come to this realisation. To know that you have a problem is the most important step. Then I started to think of ways that I could work within my restrictions to make my life more fulfilling.

First I decided that I would really get stuck into simplifying our 'stuff', whether or not we were going overseas.
I also decided that I get great enjoyment out of certain projects that I do for other people and therefore to be able to devote more time to these would be good, but that midnight wasn't the best time. So that led me to consider childcare (during sunlight hours) for our 2 youngest, who qualify for state funding.

Then I saw that the unfinished renovations were taking away from my feeling of order (the physical affecting the intellectual) so I have resolved, when/if we get a tax refund, to apply this to the task of paying others to start, continue and/or and finish the house projects.

The fourth area that 'gets to me' is that of our schedule for the children's learning. We have a plan of what needs to be done, but leave it up to them, when it gets done. I need to do some more thinking about this one, to make it mutually satisfying.

Last but not least the mundane task of housekeeping was annoying me. Mostly because I do it, and no one else bears the responsibility. Although I think this issue will better take care of itself when a semblance of order and simplicity is re-established in our home.

The strange thing is that this is exactly what a life coach said to me last Saturday. I'll tell you about that tomorrow.

Life is confusing and while many may see this as a bad thing, it has its good side. It is energising to know that I am alive, full of varied emotions, thoughts and experiences.

At the moment it is confusing because....

...it has been 2.5 years since we (Onyx and I) decided that why should we not go to Germany. We could marvel at the sunsets, walk in a park, and teach our children as easily here in the comfort of our own home as in the new experience of living in a new culture. We are relatively 'free' to go as far as our family not yet 'needing' us, and originally our youngest 2 would have been young enough to sit on our laps and pay a tiny airfare. The later is no longer so.

The more that we find freedom in our journey with God, the less we are bound to justify whether it was God's will that we go, but rather that this is a desire of our hearts, or at least mine. I still don't know if Onyx is playing lip service to the goal.

Anyway at present it seems permanently on hold. The house is not prepared and this means we are not ready to rent it out. If the house is not finished then we can't try to sell the business, nor secure a job overseas. And here the weather is yuk so I can't see the house being finished on the outside anytime soon.

I don't know about you, but when I have a goal, I set my mind to it and I don't tire until I have completed it. I am project focused. I have been at this project for over 2 years now and I am tired. I am resigned. I don't want to go. Perhaps this is a response to the fruitlessness of feeling unequally yoked.

You see, Onyx just doesn't seem to work the same way as I. There is no outward signs of achieving anything towards our goal. No plan of attack on how to 'eat the elephant' (break down the goal into bite-sized pieces).

And yes, I am angry. I am angry that we sat and discussed this and I said to him straight "are you sure you want to go?" "are you sure this is not you appeasing my dream?" "because if we decide to do this and tell the children I don't want them disappointed AGAIN".

He doesn't have a history of setting and achieving goals.

But there is still hope. He read "God's Will Hunting" from FBN recently and the gist is the question "what do you want?" on the premise that God is not a control freak and having designed us with a free will is not going to make us do something contrary to it. Perhaps it will empower him to be honest with himself. Give him the freedom of dreaming?

I knew I wanted this. What I would like to know now is why are we not there yet? Is there a 'right time' and thats not now? Is it purely because Onyx and I are not on the same page with our determination?

Do I 'give up' and unpack the suitcases, and give away the items I already have bought and are storing up there? Do I officially tell all those who are hanging on the every chance of news that we will succeed with this far-fetched plan and suffer the feeling of failure?

I have put many many events, opportunities and decisions on hiatus, and made decisions based upon the goal of going to Germany. Many material items have been released into the wild rather ruthlessly, that I am concerned now I will live to regret, and never wanted to be in this position. Yes, you guessed it that was another statement made to Onyx "if we do this then I will commit to it by paring down what we own, so you had better be sure, ok?".

And what I haven't told you yet is that we are challenged by each and every contact that we make with a German person, about why on God's green earth we would want to go and live in Germany?

Homeschooling is not considered legal.

The cost of living is higher.

There are less freedoms and more people.

The government has introduced some threatening laws on the family (although not dissimilar from here).

German's make it sound like some third world country.

I don't understand why they warn caution, but it has happened enough for me to start taking them seriously. I am also aware that many a person may unconsciously be inclined to knock down 'tall poppies' - those who stand out from the crowd. Others may resent the opportunity of us going there while they desperately wish to leave? But if it is not out of these negatives then if must be out of the reality of their lives.

For me, it is one of the only places that I can become fluent in German, and my family can learn by immersion, which in my mind is far more effective than any other method. It is also one place that my family can experience another culture where at least one of us has familiarity with it, so it is not as threatening.

Hmmppf. So here I am feeling various emotions, very much alive and equally confused, as you may imagine.

I was thumbing through a home school resource catalogue and stumbled upon a most unexpected subject heading - Gender Issues. In the middle of algebra, spanish and math manipulatives is a single heading with three sub headings that in minutes shed light on what I didn't know that I had been musing upon. They were egalitarian, patriarchy and complementarian. It sounds more like having to do with a presidential election than about how I feel about being a woman, but let me explain...... Last year I worked out that we each have our own theology - an amalgam of what we have heard throughout our church life and family upbringing (christian or not christian) - simply put: what we believe. This theology affects how we see God today and how we see ourselves in relation to Him. It stands to reason then, that it also will relate to how we feel about ourselves as a woman (or man - but I am talking about what I know!). I can see in retrospect that I grew up living under the complementarianist father - meaning that mum and dad were equal but the father had the last word on specific matters, regardless of whether he was right! Complementarianism holds that "God has created men and women equal in their essential dignity and human personhood, but different and complementary in function with male headship in the home and in the Church. I saw couples that erred towards patriarchy where the husband is the head of everything, and the wife is so submissive (and 'lost') her only purpose in life was to serve and enable the man!

And as I have journeyed my married life, I tried the complementarianist approach (pth, yuk, argh) and somehow serendipitously have arrived at believing that God created man and woman equal, so damn it, they are! Which is what some would call egalitarianism.

Egalitarianism holds that all people are equal before God and in Christ. All have equal responsibility to use their gifts and obey their calling to the glory of God. God freely calls believers to roles and ministries without regard to class, gender, or race.

What I grew up with has severely affected my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

What I can say now though, is that I feel freer today to accept God's love of me, than I ever have. Taking a break from the institutional church has allowed me to throw off the shackles that bind (and hearing someone else's theology each week!) and find myself and find God again, for myself.

When I thought of myself in the complementarianist mindset I was only too content with hiding behind my husbands spiritual apron strings. I made excused for my inability to grow, because it was more important for him to attend this seminar or that workshop. I put myself second.

How stupid I was to think that finding God relied on programmes or pastors.

Finding God is a process but one that is aided by being able to comprehend that we each are individuals, we each are important to Him, and we each are responsible for the life we lead.

I am woman, hear me roar!