This question has been beleaguered me for a good six months following the yet unexplained highs and lows in my physical body. I have wrestled with it on my own for not wanting to pull down those around me that I love. It is a lonely place.

A few weeks ago I posed it on a forum, and the thread offered some interesting and some flippant advice. Its almost as if people are too scared to think about it and that's ok, I realise that not everyone passes by this cross-roads at the same time.

For me it is like the final frontier of religious deconstructionism, being that institutional christianity implies that we all have a 'purpose' and a 'destiny' and that you need to find out what that is. Many people die to life in the process.

The journey that I have been walking embraces the idea that to understand that God loves me/us is the centripetal message of the Gospel. That out of that comes an organic lifestyle and opportunities to really love others.

I don't profess to fully 'get it' yet, albeit that I am trying.

I stumbled across a quote that I am beginning to believe holds truth and a partial answer to the question at hand:

Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
~Gil Bailie

In the process of the forum thread discussion, the etymology of the words "life" and "meaning" came up and they also provide some further enlightenment...

Life
Origin: bef. 900; ME lif(e); OE līf; c. D lijf, G Leib body, ON līf life, body; akin to live 1

So life also means body or perhaps simply that we are alive?

Meaning
1. what is intended to be, or actually is, expressed or indicated
2. the end, purpose, or significance of something

And putting these two together "what is the meaning of life?" for me would be to ask "what is intention/significance of my being alive?", "why am I breathing?".

See how that could relate to Gil Bailie's quote? That if there exists a 'purpose' it may simply be to come alive and do that which we truly love. So as we are created in the image of the Father so then too are we born to create?!

The other thing though that I am wondering is if we live for the moment and there really is no particular purpose for living, then how do we find the balance between nihilism and sensualism?

Questions about missions went through our minds 3 years ago as DH made plans to go to Uganda and again 2+ years ago as we were being prepared to 'go it alone' outside the box:

1. "Could the money we'd pay to send DH to Uganda be better used for the people there?"
2. "How do we get sent as missionaries if we don't belong to a church?"
3. "How do we support ourselves if we don't belong to a church?"
4. "What is a missionary?"

1. The answer to the first question seems quite obvious -> an airline ticket plus accommodation and food for 3 weeks could spawn a family business that could support an entire village instead. [In the end we had a family crisis and DH stayed home to serve here.] We also read the book "Revolution in World Missions" by K P Yohannan.



2. The second answer came through a 'closed door' and an 'open window'.

The doors that closed on us were being sent by a church (as we were leaving one) and not finding an interdenominational missions organisation that would send us otherwise as we were not American.

The open window was something we read in the bible, surprise, surprise. Galatians 1:1

From Paul-an apostle sent not by any group or individual but by Jesus Christ and God the Father who brought him back to life...

I think that speaks for itself?!



3. The answer to the third question was for us very tied up with questions about tithing and the cost of living.

We were giving our tithes to the church building and administration in the belief that it would be used wisely to extend the kingdom of God. We observed several great community projects terminated by the administrators as it didn't fit their mission objectives. Our mindset was also that we gave up our responsibility to help those in our direct neighbourhood around us as we were tithing and therefore the church knew better where to provide for peoples real needs (ha!).

So......when we reached the point after 3 months of taking a break from the church we had been attending, and withdrawing our tithe, we had also read this above bible verse, listened to heaps of podcasts, read plenty of theologically challenging teaching and were making progress with exploring going overseas (for our own "pleasure" - our hearts desire).

The conclusion was that if God was sending us overseas and all that we are given belongs to Him then it would not be wrong to set aside that money towards our mission. In fact if we ignored Gods plan for our life and were giving away resources that He had given us to achieve that, then it would almost be a sin.

Coupled with the reality that the cost/standard of living in the country we want to go to is higher than our own it become evident that we would not be able to survive without earning a living in this economic system - so having a job would be imperative.



4. Previously we were also trying really hard to give our trip a purpose - a mission. Be it, completing Video Bible School together as a family to gain a degree, or finding a ministry to append ourselves to, to plant churches, to run an English-speaking bible study group etc. We began to question just who we thought we were to waltz into another culture and assume roles of authority. This led to us re-think how we could best serve - what resources we needed to have to survive: language and cultural understanding.

As we live in another culture we will grow in understanding and skills to relate. We humble ourselves by being vulnerable. I think of that adage "people don't care what you know until they know that you care".



Combining all these ideas changed our concept of missions.

Now we see it as - going, being, relating, living, waiting on God wherever we are.

Our mission first is our family. If we can achieve another in the place that we live then well and good.

Life is a Mission

We have to rely so much more on God for our hearts desire to go overseas to happen - for the job, for renting out out home, for visas (we may be refused), for selling our business, for the future upon our return.

Yes, after almost 2 decades of holding the dream and 2+ years of 'trying' and being willing for this desire to bear fruit, and nothing major happening, we are low on faith and putting our roots back down where we are, but underneath it all still believe He is able, and He is in control.



A friend suggested that nothing will happen until we are 100% ready and have 100% given it all to God - which, um....brings up other theological questions....but perhaps they are for another post!

Tonight in an attempt to start re-connecting as a family, and also as an opportunity to invite a father and son to spend time with us, we planned a movie night. Nothing fancy mind you....dinner and a movie.

I'd recently placed an order with CBD and as part of that bought 'Flywheel' and 'Facing the Giants'. I'd really wanted to get 'Fireproof' but it wasn't out yet so settled for "The Love Dare' book.

Anyway back to the movie - while Facing the Giants was perhaps the better story for the males in the group, Flywheel had subtitles in German, and that mattered, so it won, heads up.

Compared to the 'professional' films and judging by the dvd jacket I guess I was expecting a 'perfect' production but cutting it some slack I was still able to appreciate the story.

So here I am now sitting and thinking, and thinking some more.

• Do situations always work out this positive and perfect?
• Will God do for us, in our situation, what he did for Jay?
• Why does God have the reputation for intervening at the 11th hour?
• and the question to top all questions...what is the moral for me?

Do you do that? Watch a movie, whether it a drama, a chick flick or a child's story and suck the juices out - cogitating over the message?

I admit that I can not not do that.

I can't not do it with movies, and I don't pick up books that do not have a pay-off. I don't read much fiction, preferring to use the little time I have to add value to my life.

Thats perhaps a good maxim for why we gave up watching tv several years ago - 'does it add value to my life?' Yes, I could say that it did when programmes about home improvements or child-raising was concerned but really 'how much value' was that adding and 'how relevant was it to our home and our family'?

So what questions did Flywheel raise for me specifically?

The first is what is this saying to my husband about his business. The part that relates here is when Jay talks about wanting to finish well, not wanting to be forced to foreclose. DH presently has a major client that thinks he is having them on about the problems at their site, and that they are not caused by him. If we loose the client the business could be forced to close. Onyx has wanted to change the direction of the business for a while too. And in the middle of all this we have been looking at selling and what that would mean.

The second area that I think I need to apply the meaning of this story to is.... Germany. So here are my thoughts as I type 'on the fly'. Going looks like not such a good idea. Perhaps it is akin to me deceiving myself that it has more value or is the only way to achieve the goals I have for wanting to live there?

Perhaps it is my time to give it up...to say to God that I can not do this, that it is His dream (like Jay told God it was his business). Perhaps I need to concentrate on putting my time and effort into my husband and family.

The similarities end as I think about the time frame that Jay had to come up with the goods. Our situation has been that we had aimed at several projected dates over the last two years and it seems as if it has been more of trying to exercise faith and be prepared for what we thought God was going to do that something we would 'miss' or an appointment we would break.

Where to now. Hmmm...wish I knew. Do I say 'right Germany is off'? Or do I say 'God you know my desire, show me your cards?' - well actually I have said things similar to that - after all the entire point of going is due to the insatiable desire within me - didn't He put that there?

Its not as if we have been trying to run in the opposite direction like Jonah.

Well thats enough thinking for one day! We will see what happens next. The movie did however renew my faith that God is more involved with my life so now that "Que sera, sera" attitude is less fatalistic and more faith-filled that He will actually come through.