Despite fear of being thought to play host to a phantom pregnancy, I thought someone here may identify with the feeling of being in No Man's Land wondering if they are pregnant too. Not from a oh-I'm-such-a-naive teenager perspective but from a I've-been-there-and-done-that-but-don't-know-for-sure-still.

Guy's (men) this post may not be for you.



The first week of November last year was the last time I have anything constituting a normal period. Ok, women with poly-cystic ovarian syndrome don't really know what a cycle is, but since then I have only had 2 unusual bleeds. Lighter, inconsistent etc with the last one being akin to the threatened miscarriage I experienced with Agate.

I have tested 6 times with pregnancy tests that you can buy at the supermarket and all negative.

So why do I believe I am pg? Why can't I just let it go and accept that this is a mid life spread come to take residence?



The longest time that I have not bled for is 52 days. Twice in the past when this time has lapsed I have been pg. Time between the last 2 bleeds was 59 days and the last bleed I had was like a threatened miscarriage - I know - I've had one (and a spontaneous miscarriage too). And the December bleed was not 'normal' either so that may make the duration longer.

My breasts are sore, my stomach is swelling, I've had the nausea and still have a feeling of 'ick' and blow me down if I don't fancy coffee - those are all my usual symptoms. The one that I only experienced with my last pregnancy was fatigue and while I don't have that in toto, my head is tired by midday. I wake frequently at night and constantly stretch (due to relaxin?) which I am struggling to associate with the other pregnancies and the one that has totally thrown me is that I have a libido (and I mean, at all!).

But 6 negative tests.



I feel robbed of my intuition, relying on 'medical' tests to tell me that I am or I am not, knowing that previously these have not told the truth.

I wondered whether low HcG (and therefore not registering on a test) due to PCOS is the reason that women with PCOS have more miscarriages, and this was where, if I were pregnant, I was heading.



Everything is phrased with "if I am pregnant", making me feel double-minded - and I wouldn't want to be that now, would I.



And then there is the whole issue of not ever wanting to be pregnant again - not wanting to go through the birth, not wanting to have my breasts out on loan to another dependent human being again. I was over, done, signed off and out of here when it comes to spawning another of my own. I had once again started to plan my future. That's the story with the first, second (miscarriage) and third pregnancies and then kablam - surprise, you're pregnant.

It doesn't mean any were unwanted - but we had listened to the doctors (about being infertile), believed the test results (before and after conception) and were convinced that we couldn't get/be pregnant.

So actually I can't be accused of bearing phantom pregnancy because I didn't want to be pregnant, and the first test I took was to confirm that, but the symptoms kept coming.



You ask, why don't you go to a midwife....well, I tried. The first trick is to be out and about without children - a little like mission impossible. When this occured due to strategic planning a couple of weeks ago I was only to discover that the clinic that I felt I could go to was in the process of moving premises and closed for the week.

I tried to think of other places to go, but there was no where that I believed would take me seriously and show empathy, and not think that I was making this all up.

Since then I have tried to surreptitiously purchase a triple-pack testing kit on 3 occasions from 2 different supermarkets in 2 different towns and they are OUT OF STOCK!



If I am pg then I am 16 weeks and in the next few weeks I and DH will be able to feel the baby move. Thankfully I have his full support and he is actually stoked that we could be expecting another. He even prayed for a midwife to come to us -how's that for faith!

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention that in all this I did find a forum where there have been other women for whom pregnancy tests did not work.



I have been in flux between indluging myself in all things baby - like searching for names, and pulling myself back out into the real world that says I already have all the children we wanted and at present they have absolutely no idea of our predicament as what would we tell them anyway? What will our friends and family think?

I am outgrowing my clothes too but can't allow myself to wear preggie ones - that would make me look like a right dork if it weren't so.



So for the next few weeks still I will be in No Man's Land - not knowing one way or the other and possibly being none the wiser if a body part doesn't knock, knock, knock on the side of its womb to rent.



Then it would be back to square one - I'm fat and I hate it.

Well here I am, four weeks after starting a very simple fitness regime. The Air Walker that I purchased via internet auction, arrived and is good value for money but not exactly great condition. Anyway it meets the needs of having something to start with. If only I can get rid of the squeak – argh.

My first trial was to see if I could do 5 minutes and then 1 more. So for the first 3 days I got on in the morning and gave it all I've got for 6 minutes. Day four I stepped up to 7 minutes, and then I went away for days 7-11, so back at it on day 12. Every 3-4 days I add another minute - presently I am plateaued at 11 minutes.

I have worked out that if you use the machine as suggested – legs fairly straight in a manner as if you were walking slowly that the impact is very low, and it brings a smile to my face to say – too low for me. Its when you start to walk faster or vary your stance that you start to exercise beyond what you may do walking during the course of a normal day.

I prefer to bend my knees and lean into the handles of the Air Walker and then I 'feel the burn' in my triceps, quads and calves.

I am able to keep normal breathing throughout and my body truly feels as if all its red blood cells have been oxygenated and are alive for a short while after I have finished.

I have yet to see any great benefit to my weight though with it keeping steadily at a number that, for me, is 25% higher than what I was aiming for when I first started my loosing weight slowly campaign.

I can't fathom it out. I have now used 5 'First Response' pregnancy tests and a 'Clearblue' and they all come up negative. I am reminded that with my second pregnancy 3 home pregnancy tests and one blood test all came up negative before the 2nd blood test confirmed that pregnancy.

Hmmm...so I am not pregnant just fat? The abdominal shape doesn't seem to fit the 'fat' profile and why would all this extra weight just stick to me over a course of a couple of months. Its like someone has taken huge globs of fat and aimed them at the middle of my body as one would do in paint-ball, but these don't wash off. Does middle age spread really happen that dramatically? If so, someone should have warned me. This is not one of those pleasant surprises that society should keep secret.

In fact society in the form of the beach-goers I have seen over the long weekend away, seem to confirm that this pregnant-like tummy is the norm for women my age, not the exception. Not nice.

I am glad that at least I have a vehicle for exercising off the repulsion I have of my body shape and that may give me a hope of working towards a more lithe figure that I can be proud of once again.

Oh, and in my travels on the auction site, I came across a treadmill with some fabulous features that presently doesn't work, that we fetched and I have high expectations that DH will be able to fix.

Initially it looked as if the motor was totally stuffed and its an odd wattage that we had no way of testing, but some very generous technicians on a DIY website are helping us work through the diagnostics. Onyx has managed to get the motor to turn over so its back to diagnosing the controller. Fingers crossed everything works out for good, as I actually like the mechanics of the treadmill and can see all of us using it.

Its not as if the Air Walker will be defunct either as I have a girlfriend that was the one who recommended them to me and will gladly receive it as a hand-me-down or perhaps the children will be allowed to let themselves loose on the Air Walker and leave the treadmill alone? I haven't quite decided as that is like counting your chickens before they are hatched.

Its time to bring you up to date with some of the post stories ...

3 Months to Live
The friend who was given 3 months to live is still with us, albeit quite depressed as she enters 2009 as I presume the inevitability of this year being her last wraps itself around her thoughts. She has had to move 3 times, and was burgled 3 times at the first property. Now her landlady has passed on and the family strongly wanted to sell the rental property.


Behavioral Optometry

We did get a second opinion for Agate and for her age she is doing well. I wanted to focus on her visual-spatial skills and so a couple of take-home exercises were prescribed by the Optometrist.

We will test her again after a year to get a better idea.


Agate

I have written a few posts about Agate and the various areas I have tried to explore to help me understand her and help her.

I now tend to believe what I have read - that ASD disorders may be a 3 year delay in neurological functions reaching maturity, as she has improved significantly. In fact I would be loathe to say she has ODD but rather some strong-willed reactions to her SPD and encopresis.

The later is the area that we have made little headway. So we are now in the middle of waiting for some laboratory tests results to come back to see if they give us / the doctor any insights. I really wanted to save her from blood tests but looking at the bigger picture - she needs to have a solution to this problem for her own well-being.

Already her eosinophils have come back very high but the coeliac and stool samples have yet to be completed.

She exhibits none of the typical coeliac symptoms and her serum immunoglobulins (IgA, IgG and IgM) are normal.

Anyway last year we decided to try a gluten free diet once more. OH BOY, what did we get ourselves in for?! It made the household awful, horrible & tense all over again. All those things that has slowly slipped into oblivion. So perhaps there is something to it?

Why did we try gluten free? Well when we had been away on holiday it was noticed that Agate did not soil herself, and that when offered a range of foods from which to graze she had been choosing mainly fruits, vegetables and a little meat. Instinctively (if that is what it is) she had been avoiding breads and cereals. Which is what made me think there may really be something to this, as the first time that Onyx, Ruby and Agate did the FAILSAFE diet they all reacted to the gluten challenge too. Except Onyx didn't want to do anything about it. From memory the older two stated that their memory was clearer.

Having to only source enough alternative food for one person made this easier this time and she seemed to understand and most times appreciate that she is being singled out for this snack or treat that is different.

We now hopefully also have a pediatric referral in the pipeline - expected waiting time = 3-6 months.


Weight Loss

Well, you wouldn't believe it but after 8 years my scales went belly up! Probably a result of the children jumping on them one too many times. I tried to get replacement parts but they simply do not stock any. I was on the verge of being resigned to buying another when the agent went on to say that as they were Salter scales they have a decent warranty on them and they would replace them with the same or a like model. So they have been sent back and I tentatively await the new ones.

I really don't want to try them out as I am in flux between wondering if I am simply just fat from the Christmas season or pregnant! Of course the later is almost impossible but would be easier to live with than thinking that all my effort last year to lose weight has been undone. I am seriously looking at exercise equipment - sigh.


Well folks, I hope that fills in some of the blanks.

If you are wondering about something I haven't updated on recently just drop me an email and ask! =>