If you are disabled then you often need to hire home help. If you are blind then many items are available for use that are adapted to help you lead a more 'normal' life. If you are hospitalised then you may receive some rehabilitation services, or 'meals on wheels'.

So why is it that in the area of character and psychological deficits we don't take the same action?

What I am specifically talking about is the relationship of marriage. We are so quick to see physical problems as 'real' while the hidden problems are not treated with the same empathy or tactical remedy. If our partner has broken their leg, we watch as they hobble around on crutches, wash them, run the errands, dress them and generally pick up the slack. It is after all only temporary.

Last year I figured out, d'uh, that Onyx suffers from dysthemia. Its taken me so long to realise this and many a tear shed along the way in utter frustration. This is a long-term 24/7 issue affecting his general state of mind and being. Its not something that can really be 'cured' with drugs, I understand, but I had hoped counselling would finally take the place of my incessant reminders that 'this' was not normal. At least the therapist concurred with my findings!

[Alongside this, and the jury is still out on these two, I have reason to believe he is visual-spatial and somewhere on the Autistic Spectrum Disorder continuum - down the intelligent end!]

So where does that leave me? Well at the beginning of last month I realised that I needed to take responsibility for creating my happiness within the life that I have got. What I mean by this is that I am tired of being limited, of feeling unfulfilled, of my happiness being dependent upon another person.

My friendships with others are not like this - there is no expectation that I have of them to 'give' anything to me, and yet I have this of Onyx. I expected that he be honest with me, that he value me, that he partner me, that he encourage me, that he parent equally etc etc. By having these expectations, however pure, I have inadvertently handed over the keys to my happiness to another person.

So what is a girl to do? Well, what I did, was first and foremost come to this realisation. To know that you have a problem is the most important step. Then I started to think of ways that I could work within my restrictions to make my life more fulfilling.

First I decided that I would really get stuck into simplifying our 'stuff', whether or not we were going overseas.
I also decided that I get great enjoyment out of certain projects that I do for other people and therefore to be able to devote more time to these would be good, but that midnight wasn't the best time. So that led me to consider childcare (during sunlight hours) for our 2 youngest, who qualify for state funding.

Then I saw that the unfinished renovations were taking away from my feeling of order (the physical affecting the intellectual) so I have resolved, when/if we get a tax refund, to apply this to the task of paying others to start, continue and/or and finish the house projects.

The fourth area that 'gets to me' is that of our schedule for the children's learning. We have a plan of what needs to be done, but leave it up to them, when it gets done. I need to do some more thinking about this one, to make it mutually satisfying.

Last but not least the mundane task of housekeeping was annoying me. Mostly because I do it, and no one else bears the responsibility. Although I think this issue will better take care of itself when a semblance of order and simplicity is re-established in our home.

The strange thing is that this is exactly what a life coach said to me last Saturday. I'll tell you about that tomorrow.

Its taken me a looooong time to become less rigid about the rules and realise that some are meant to be broken.

Rules are there in many instances as guidelines for the lowest common denominator. Some will have evolved because of necessity and others from unchallenged tradition.

And then there are those that fit neither category but that we still impose upon ourselves.

Take for instance the scenario where you have agreed to host a group of 25 people as part of a progressive dinner but then you get asked to fly to another part of the country to provide respite care for a foster child you have loved, that is beyond difficult, and where the house parents need a break.

What would you do?

You could stay and fulfill your obligation to the dinner group.

You could go and look after this child.

In my life past, I would have been torn on the inside but still felt to uphold my 'prior engagement'. My word is my bond and all that.

It's not that those things aren't important but now I measure things another way.

Is it a matter of life and death?

We find it easier to make decisions relative to the question of death: the ball game with a friend vs time with your dying mother - a 'no-brainer'. Death is negative and so saying 'no' to something else doesn't feel so wrong.

Where there is a question of life, it feels more awkward to say 'no'. After all you are supposed to say 'yes' to life. And you can say 'yes' - you just need to be discerning.

Applying that to the situation above, I would then be able to see that looking after the 'life' of a child ranks higher than feeding the bellies of 25 socially adjusted teens that are doing this activity for sheer fun.

Then the plans would be how to accommodate the former obligation. I could cancel entirely. I could ask a friend to house-sit and facilitate the meal, I could ask a friend to host it at their place instead. I'm sure there are other options too.

So then I would have to justify my decision to the dinner guests...simple....I have had a last minute opportunity to care for a child that will take me out of the region. I am sure that you will understand this is a matter of life and death. Stop them in their self-centred tracks.

You can apply this more simply at home too. You get invited out to something that benefits another organisation or agenda, that you don't want to be involved in and can quite honestly say that you have prior engagements or responsibilities. Those responsibilities are the ones to the lives of your children or the life of your marriage or even to invest time into your personal development - your life.

As long as you are honest with yourself there is no need to feel guilty.

Where do I start to describe the calibre and richness of this film?

What perhaps was the most profound realisation from it was that when I arrived in Germany the Wall had only been down about 2 months.

It wasn't until 3-4 years later that the long-range difficulties of unemployment, economics and attitudes filtered through our english media to describe the state of the nation.

My intention in seeing this film was to introduce my hubby to the mindset and psyche of the former east german people and in turn how this contributes to the society that the 'unified' Germany has. I though was further impassioned and reached a new depth of empathy for this culture of poverty and control.

The accuracy with which the story is told may not perhaps be appreciated by those who had not been there; who did not know that the cars were real, the housing was real, the streets were real, the military coats were real.

Oh, for the students of our nation to be exposed to the truths of socialism and recognise its weaknesses.

While I was in the former west I had two experiences that relate in a way to what happened in this masterpiece.

I had traveled to West Berlin, through the checkpoints, and spent one day on the other side of the 'wall' which was still military controlled. During this trip I shot 7 rolls of film. Upon developing and printing 2 were returned to me in part - 17 photos and their negatives missing from one and 7 from the next. They were the ones taken in East Berlin. Coincidence or conspiracy?

The second experience was traveling to the former east and staying overnight in a hotel which for all intensive purposes was somewhere between a backpackers and a motel. Walking down the streets which were narrow, drab, cold and deserted seeing the coal pits that if you had money were used to store fuel for fires. There was a heaviness about the place, a poverty not only of wealth but of mind and soul.

These were both within 1 year of the wall coming down.

Now I appreciate how enriched I am to have had first hand knowledge that years later is woven into another layer of understanding.